Kex's Corner.

TRAVEL TALES SUMMER 2011: Kex and Joy in the City By The Bay:


DAY ONE: Travel is supposed to be an adventure. We arrived today in San Francisco, as planned. However, the plan called for us to arrive around 2 PM Pacific Daylight Time. The reason we actually arrived around 7 PM Pacific Daylite time is where the adventure part comes in. After the normal ritual of several days of preparation and planning, we got up about 7 AM MDT this morning and made our final preparations for departure. We were giving ourselves plenty of time, knowing full well that it would be one of a few very busy days of a holiday weekend at one of the world's busiest airports. So the caution of giving ourselves plenty of time seemed purdent.

As always, rather than fuss with the hassle and expense of parking several days at the airport, we took a shuttle that runs from the city we live in out to DIA. For those not familiar with Denver International Airport, it is located about halfway between the extreme eastern end of the Denver metro area and the border of the state of Kansas.

The day's adventure began shortly before we boarded the airport shuttle. As Joy was walking to the boarding area, the sidewalk reached up and grabbed her shoe, causing her to do a gorgeous, face first swan dive toward the pavement. The judges gave it a 9.4. She lost some style points for partially breaking her fall with a suitcase. Fortunately, she didn't break anything else, but I am getting ahead of myself.

The fall caused some pain in her shoulder, but she didn't think it was anything to worry about. So we proceeded on to the airport aboard the shuttle. After checking in, sending our luggage down the conveyer, and working our way through airport security, we headed on toward the designated boarding area.

Allow me to digress for just a moment. Getting through airport security was no small adventure in itself. We brought enough electronic equipment with us on this trip to make members of an Antarctic expedition jealous. It took an entire team of security personnel to get us checked through.

But about half way down the concourse, Joy's knee began tightening up severely. So we asked one of the security people if we could get some first aid help. They quickly dispatched a paramedic, who took a look at her knee. It looked pretty banged up. She suggested that we go to the emergency room and get it checked out. They then contacted the people from Frontier Airlines, who arranged to put a waiver on our tickets so we could catch a later flight.

The closest hospital to DIA is the University of Colorado Medical Center in Aurora. Fortunately, my mother was available to come pick us up at the airport, and take us to the emergency room. When we arrived there it wasn't very busy. That didn't stop them from taking several people ahead of us, the excuse being that it was a triage system, and they took what they perceived as the most serious cases first. Those of you who know me might well predict how well that went over, and suffice it to say that a short time later, a doctor was attending to Joy.

It was still a rather lengthy process and wait. The doctor determined that the shoulder problem wasn't a concern, but she wanted to do x-rays on the knee. After another fairly lengthy wait, the x-ray attendant came and did her duty. Then we waited another good 45 minutes for them to tell us that there were no broken bones or tendon damage. They just wanted Joy to keep it iced and elevated when possible, and limit our walking activities somewhat for a couple of days.

We then headed back to DIA, and the nice people at Frontier booked us onto the first available flight we were able to make, about 4 hours after our original planned flight. Our luggage was already patiently awaiting our arrival in SF. Considering how full the flight was, and the seats they gave us, I strongly suspect they had to have bumped somebody. The new flight ended up boarding about a half hour late due to a broken seat, and they had to go out looking for the tool to fix it. Nonetheless, by 5PM MDT, approximately 4 and a half hours later than originally planned, we were airborne and headed westward.

When we landed in SF, an attendant with a wheel chair was awaiting Joy the moment they got off the plane. Similarly, the Frontier folks in Denver made sure she didn't have to do any walking there either. Two trips through security in Denver was a bit annoying, but everyone was treating us like royalty. We picked up our luggage at the Frontier office, checked into our motel without incident and spent the remainder of the evening resting up for our first adventures in the city tomorrow. It will probably be confined to tours, but that is more or less what he had planned anyway. And Joy has already collected her first souvenir of this year's vacation. A knee decorated in Colorado Rockies colors. That thing is purple! A pic will be posted.

DAY TWO: To answer a number of concerned communications, Joy's knee felt better today. It still looks pretty yucky, but she was able to do more walking today than I really expected.

San Francisco is perhaps the only city in the U.S. where you feel like you should need a passport. That isn't a knock. In fact, it is one of the things about the city I love. It is proof positive that diversity CAN be a strength, not something to be feared or discouraged, but rather something that can be a great benefit. Too bad the Republican Party can't understand that. In any event, you can walk a hundred yards along Pier 39 and hear every language spoken on the planet. That is actually kind of fun.

Having spent a few very enjoyable years of my life in SF when I was considerably younger, I became quite adept at learning how to get around the city without a car. They are actually almost more trouble than they are worth here, by the time you pay for gas, fight traffic and find places to park. I was sufficently confident that we could get around the city without needing to rent a car that I decided we would test the theory, and if it failed we could always go ahead and get one if needed. Today was the day we put my theory to the test.

I am pleased to report that the idea passed with flying colors. We can utilize the free airport shuttle to the airport where we pick up the BART train into the city. From there, the MUNI system easily transported us to Pier 39, which is the base for most of the tours we plan on taking. It was so easy and hassle free that it almost seemed TOO easy, especially considering the high cost of gas these days. And compared to the daily cost of car rental, the transit option is especially compelling.

Our first activity today was a 2 hour city tour, which took us around most of the city's most interesting landmarks, and allowed me to recatch my bearings. We both enjoyed that very much. After a good lunch on Pier 39, we did one of the Bay Cruises. That was fun and interesting, but it was a bit overbooked, imho. At one point as we sailed past Alcatraz, so many people swarmed to the starboard side of the ship that I was afraid we were all going to end up swimming for it. But our small ship proved reliable. The only glitch on that activity was that they passed out personal communication devices with headsets that were supposed to allow passengers to hear the narrated tour more effectively. They didn't work very well. They reminded us to return them as we left, since they wouldn't work off the ship anyway. I can't imagine anyone not complying. They didn't even work worth a crap ON the ship. Nonetheless, the cruise permitted me to see two things I hadn't previously seen in SF; the east side of Alcatraz and we got to sail under the Golden Gate Bridge. That was pretty cool.

By the time we completed those activities, which was about all I planned today anyway, we decided it was time to return to the motel. On the way back we got something of an unauthorized narrative tour by some drunk in the back seat that didn't even pay to get on the light rail vehicle. I guess he figured he was earning his toll by wildly annoying everyone in the last few rows of the vehicle.

Another cool thing about SF...you always see things here you don't tend to see a lot of other places. There was the guy who took his lizard for a walk on a leash on Pier 39, and the folks that loaded all four of their dogs into a little red wagon and took them out for a walk (pull?) along the pier... We have a hop on hop off tour planned for tomorrow, so that will allow us to sort of improvise. But it has already become evident, as I already knew, that the 8 days we have for activities isn't going to scratch the surface of what we want to do.

DAY THREE: Rain, rain, go away. Just our luck. A few years ago, we went to Seattle and got San Francisco weather. This year, in San Francisco, we are getting Seattle weather. It rained pretty much all day today, and we may get more tomorrow. Hopefully it won't rain out the Oakland A's game tomorrow, which we are planning to attend.

The rain curtailed our activities a bit today, but didn't completely stop us. We did another tour today, somewhat briefer than the one yesterday. As it turned out, it was a private tour. No one else showed up for it. We didn't mind that at all. This one was actually a hop on hop off trolley tour, that is able to navigate some of the steeper (read white knuckle scary) streets in SF. The driver assured us that the brakes are inspected once a year, whether they need it or not. They were due for inspection tomorrow. I'm sure he tells that to all the tourists.

After the tour, we went out on Pier 39 to see the sealions, then did a little shopping on Pier 39. It was considerably easier to navigate the area today. Since yesterday was a holiday, it was wall to wall people. With the combination of drizzle and being a Tuesday, the load of humanity was considerably lighter. By the time we completed the shopping, Joy's knee was beginning to tighten up a bit, and we old folks were getting a bit tired anyway. So we had lunch on the pier, then headed to the motel room.

Now, before I close, it is time to have a brief meeting with the under 30 crowd out there. You aren't going to like what I have to say, but you need to read it anyway, AND PAY ATTENTION.

I know way too many of you have a sense of entitlement that rivals your complete lack of etiquette. Both probably need to be addressed by someone, so I guess it will fall on me. Let's begin with a specific point of etiquette that involves utilizing mass transit. If you are riding transit and a person with gray or graying hair gets on, the right thing to do is to offer to give them your seat; especially if the boarding passenger is a lady. Perhaps some of you have just gotten off work and think you are tired. We have worked our whole lives, and we are probably more tired, thank you very much. It won't hurt you to spend a few more minutes on your feet.

NO. You are NOT entitled to that seat. All you are entitled to is getting your punky little asses kicked by surprisingly capable older folk like me. If you don't believe it, it just might happen...this week. Beware.

I'd really like to address the drugged out waste of flesh I had to stand next to on the light rail today, but I am certain that he doesn't have a computer, and even if he did, he undoubtedly couldn't actually read. But just in case there are similar individuals out there, permit me to clue you in about a few things. First of all, the same point of etiquette about offering your seat DOES apply to you. But in this particular case, it wouldn't really be necessary. The problem is, you AND your backpack are NOT both entitled to take up a seat. All you have to do is put it on your useless little lap and scoot your butt over. I guess that concept was a bit difficult for your drug baked brain.

What was worse was the fact that you kept mindlessly swinging your umbrella all over the place, constantly smacking against me and also occasionlly hitting Joy in the back of the head. Allow me to make you aware than any similar situations in the future will provide you with an opportunity unique for human beings: You are going to discover first hand what it is like to spend the rest of your life with a tail. A rather stiff one, but the location will be only a few inches lower than where other animals wear theirs. Unfortunately, it's location may make another rather critical biological function rather problematic.

Weather permitting, we'll be watching the Oakland A's play the Yankees tomorrow.

DAY FOUR: The activity for today was a baseball game between Oakland and the Yankees. That looked somewhat doubtful as the day began. Rain moved in about 9 AM this morning, and the forecast wasn't promising: Rain and possible thunderstorms until early in the afternoon. We were just hoping that the game might get played with some early delays.

Getting to Oakland Coliseum by the BART system is quite easy. All one has to do is take the train to the stadium exit, then walk across a short bridge to the stadium itself. When one crosses the bay from SF to Oakland, it becomes immediately apparent why SF is a much more popular tourist destination. Further, as one makes the walk from the BART station to Oakland Coliseum, the general impression is more one of heading towards a prison than a sports venue. Considering that the Raiders also play there, and knowing the demeanor of many of their fans, that sort of makes sense.

The Coliseum is definitely showing it's age. That is kind of a euphemism. Fact is, Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, much like the city of Oakland, is just flat out butt-ugly. On the plus side, the food is good and reasonably priced...if you can find it. I have seen more concessions in small minor league parks.

The really amazing thing about the stadium is that most of the fans have a better view of the game than the players. In every other park in MLB, the dugouts run parallel to the foul lines. In Oakland, they face out towards center field. The managers have to stand at the extreme right or left sides to see what is going on in the infield. There are two scoreboards, both of which are antiquated and difficult to read. They both have diamond vision screens, which are also quite small.

Fortunately, the forecast for the day wasn't all that accurate. About the time they let us into the stadium, the cloud cover began to break and it turned out to be a rather pleasant day. The Yankees beat the A's 4-2, five of the games 6 runs coming on 2 home runs. The win enabled the Yankees to sweep the series, much to the delight of approximately half the crowd in Yankee gear. I guess that is common everywhere. That is kind of sad because Yankee fans are obnoxious. The one that sat behind me ran his mouth the entire game, about absolutely nothing. It was pretty annoying. The real joke is that Yankee fans actually think they have something to crow about. Yes, they have won the W.S. 27 times, more championships than any other team in North American pro sports by a lot. Big deal. A team with their resources, including their own cable network, where the cheap seats run about $50 a pop should have won it about 90 times. Sorry, Yankee fans, I'm just not as impressed with what you have accomplished as YOU think I should be.

On tap tomorrow, a tour of ATT Park, home of the SF Giants, and probably a longer bay cruise.


DAY FIVE Today started out with a scouting mission to A.T.&T Park. In other words we wanted to know where it was so we wouldn't get lost when we try to find it Sunday. The forecast today was for decent weather, but it didn't really start out that way. There was fog and drizzle early, but it did turn out to be pretty decent.

The ballpark was located without difficulty, and it looks splendid. Clearly, this is a gem among the newer MLB parks, and bay area residents should be very proud of it. Locating it next to the bay seems like kind of a repeat of old mistakes here in SF. Candlestick was also located next to the bay and it was always dreadfully cold and frequently miserable. I suspect a similar situation is true of A.T.T., but by this time, it is probably something of a tradition.

After scouting out ATT, it was on to Chinatown, which is a bit like hopping on a plane and flying across the Pacific. Here is a tip for buying things in Chinatown: If you see something you want, be absolutely certain that one of the shop workers is watching you look at it. Make sure you pick it up, act VERY interested, then put it down. I guarantee you, the price will immediately drop.

In one store, I was looking at a figurine of a small, soapstone tiger. It was only priced at $5, about half or less what I might find it for at an import store in Denver, if I could find it. As I started to set it back down, the following exchange occured with the clerk:

Clerk: You like tigaa?

Me: It is a lovely figurine. I love tigers.

Clerk: Oh! You really like tigaa! For you, tigaa two dolla!

He was ringing it up before I even had much of a chance to object. I probably would have bought it for $5, I was just going to look around a bit more.

I also wanted to buy some fresh cherries. I started to pick some up that were bagged in front of one of the stores. One of the store workers was standing next to the display doing something. As soon as I reached for the bag, he made some lengthy statement in Chinese that I didn't begin to understand. It didn't sound entirely friendly. But when I responded only to whatever he said with a puzzled expression, he pointed to the price above the bags, which was 69 cents per pound. I just smiled and nodded, then picked up a bag and went in to pay.

The smell of fish in the store was so strong it just about blew me back out the door, but I started breathing through my mouth and waited patiently behind about 4 little ladies paying for their goods. While waiting, I had the opportunity to look around and take in the site of numerous fresh fruits and vegetables I couldn't have identified with a gun put to my head.

I had forgotten how fun Chinatown really is. If you are in SF and you don't spend some time in Chinatown, and it is impossible not to spend a LOT of time when you go, you haven't really been to SF.


DAY SIX: Today was reserved for the formal tour of A.T.&T Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. It is every bit as beautiful from the inside as it appeared from the outside, when the preliminary location scout out was done yesterday. Unfortunately, we took the later tour today and since the Rockies were arriving, we couldn't go to some of the places that would normally be included in the stadium tour. However, we saw enough to get a good feel for what a wonderful facility it is.

The Giants have already erected 4 statues outside the stadium to past greats that have played in SF: Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal and Orlando Cepeda. A fifth statue of Gaylord Perry will soon be added. Perry was a fine pitcher, no question about it. But he was also one of the games most notorious cheaters. I have to give him credit though. He never made any bones about it after he retired. He was so upfront about his tendencies to load up the baseball that it has almost become something of a joke now. He once made the following statement when complimenting the hitting talents of Rod Carew:

"Greaseball, greaseball, greaseball, that's all I throw him (Rod Carew), and he still hits them. He's the only player in baseball who consistently hits my grease. He sees the ball so well, I guess he can pick out the dry side."

He also admitted:

"I'd always have it (grease) in at least two places, in case the umpires would ask me to wipe one off. I never wanted to be caught out there with anything though, it wouldn't be professional."

Finally:

"I reckon I tried everything on the old apple, but salt and pepper and chocolate sauce topping."

One suspects that next in line will be Barry Bonds, an even more successful cheater than Perry, and completely unapologetic. There are two significant differences, however. First, Bonds has never confessed to his cheating. Second, in stark contrast the the very likeable and coridal Perry, Bonds is a first class jerk.

It will be interesting to see how the Giants handle the question of erecting a statue to Bonds. There is a strong possibility that Hall of Fame voters are going to pass on him, so the Giants just might be forced to follow suit. Or, Perhaps they will go ahead with a statue, which they might place next to Perry in some reasonably isolated corner of the stadium. Perhaps they could call it "Embarrassed throat clearing corner."

The forecast is calling for rain to move into the bay area the next couple days, but we are hoping it won't affect the games, at least on Sunday.


DAY SEVEN: The Rockies lost game 1 against the Giants Friday night. Given the way that their season seems to be spiraling downward, that doesn't seem entirely surprising. Today began with rain; heavy rain, putting the second game of the weekend series in some doubt. The wet, damp weather didn't help Joy's still somewhat aching knee either, so she decided to stick around the room and stay dry, and watch the Rox game if there was one. She dispatched me to head out and do some picture taking, probably so I wouldn't be pacing the room and robbing her of the opportunity to actually get some rest.

I headed out the the BART station, and shortly after arriving, a little Asian lady approached me asking instructions as to how to get to a particular destination on the BART line. Clearly, I was the best candidate out of probably a hundred people in the station to ask, since I was wearing a Colorado Rockies jacket. Fortunately, I have become reacquainted sufficently with the system this week to answer questions. Once I fielded hers to satisfaction, I turned around and faced a group of about 10 other people patiently waiting for me to answer their questions about system destinations as well. I didn't realize that I was evidently wearing a sign.

Once the train arrived, I proceeded into the city, and made my way to the Aquarium of the Bay at Pier 39. It is a small but interesting attraction that provides visitors an opportunity to see what kind of life lives below the surface of San Francisco Bay. Perhaps I should offer a clarification: One can see what kind of animal life lives below the surface of the bay, but above the trans-Bay BART tube that carries passengers to Oakland. If you want to know what kind of life forms exist in that unique enviroment, you have to ride BART.

The aquarium offered two of those touch pools, where kids can handle starfish and the like. But the second one permitted them to pet sting rays. That was interesting because those guys would swim around for awhile, then actually go to the sides where kids were standing and poke their heads above the water wanting to be petted. It was amazing and fun to watch.

After leaving the aquarium, I walked north along the wharf, stopping at In And Out Burger. I wanted to see if it was like I remembered it, having not eaten there for something on the order of 3 decades. The food was average and a bit overpriced, but they made up for it by being incredibly slow for a fast food place. Yep, it was exactly as I remembered it.

I then headed to the Fisherman's Wharf Wax Museum, where I looked at all the exhibits of wax movie stars, famous political leaders and what not. The statute of George W. Bush looked considerably more intelligent than it's living counterpart. I guess that isn't hard. At least it's head was filled with wax. There was also an exhibit of some of history's famous geniuses. My omission is probably deeply embarrassing to the proprietors. I am sure they'll be calling me for photos and measurements soon.

By the time I left the wax museum, it had actually stopped raining. Several miles to the south, the Giants and Rox were playing game 2 of the weekend series, which the Rox ultimately won. We'll be in attendance tomorrow, which we hope will help propel them to a victory in the 3 game series.

After returning to Market Street, I strolled along a couple of miles, just reminiscing about the San Francisco I knew 30 years ago, and the changes that have come about. In some ways, the rest of the world has caught up a bit, but at the same time, San Francisco hasn't leapt out in many new directions. There is a very definite reason for that, which also dates back to the days I remember. It was a mystery then, something just coming into the public consciousness...a horror that would eventually come to be known the the world as AIDS.

That terrible disease has affected many lives in terrible ways, but it has also had profound effects on entire cities, probably none more so than San Francisco. To put it bluntly, it absolutely smacked this city in the mouth. In some ways, those affects were probably needed. In others, it was just a painful wound: One that didn't need to cut as deeply as it did. But back in the early 80's of the past century, Rome burned while Ronald Reagan fiddled. THAT more than anything else should be his black legacy for all time. He was a senile idiot: And so many of those that surrounded him were something a whole lot worse.


DAY EIGHT: A rather short report today. For all the bad forecasts we have endured and sweated all week, our second planned game today was played in decent weather. It was overcast all day, but the wind didn't blow, so it was actually a pleasant day to watch a game at A.T.&T. Park. The downside is that even our presence couldn't spark a downspiraling Rockies offense. After today's loss, they stand at 10-23 since May 1 and they have scored 3 or fewer runs in 13 of their last 15 games. After scoring only 4 runs in 3 games here in SF, it is little wonder that they only came away with 1 win. In fact, it is nothing short of astonishing that they actually managed a win.

On the plus side, it was very nice to reconnect with a couple of old friends today that I haven't seen in, well, let's just say a really long time. If I actually provided a number there, a lot of the readers would probably be sending emails expressing surprise that people actually live that long, so I'll pass.

A couple of more touristy things are on tap for tomorrow, then it will be time to pack up and prepare for our return home on Tuesday. It has been another wonderful trip, but I think we are both starting to get anxious to head back to the other side of the Rockies.


DAY NINE: We got off to a bit of a late start today. Since it was our last day here and only a couple of activities were planned, we took an opportunity to sleep in. Originally I had planned to ride the cable cars up toward Chinatown, and then get off to do a bit of last minute souvenir shopping. But the line to ride the cable cars was about 3 blocks long. I guess that was in response to the fact that they had the system shut down over the past weekend.

So instead of riding the cable cars, we made the short walk into Chinatown and completed our shopping. From there it was back to Market Street for a quick lunch, then on back to Pier 39 for a bridge to bridge Bay cruise. At this point I should probably note that the weather, which was supposed to be clearing today, was grey and occasionally drizzly. San Francisco is experiencing March weather in June, Texas and Arizona are burning, the midwest has experienced the deadliest tornado season since 1950 and now very rare tornadoes are tearing up New England. I am sure glad that there is nothing wrong with the weather.

Anyway, the hour and a half Bay cruise was magnificent. We even got to see some dolphins swimming in SF Bay. That was really fun. It was also a terrific opportunity to see the city from some vantage points that were both unique and spectacular.

After the cruise, we had an excellent dinner on Fisherman's Wharf, then returned to the motel to do our final packing before heading home tomorrow. While we are definitely looking forward to our return home, I have only a slightly less heavy feeling of leaving home once again.


DAY TEN: Epilogue: The alarm on my cellphone rang dutifully at 5:30 AM, PDT this morning. It was time to pack up the last few items and take care of all the morning necessities prior to departing for home. The day was breaking under gray skies as all the others for the previous 9 had, but at least there is some hope that Bay Area residents will see some sunshine in the coming days. We wouldn't have to wait that long: In a few short hours, we would be back in Denver where by all indications, summer has arrived. The previous few days had brought temperatures in the upper 80's and low 90's under sunny skies.

Our preparations were completed in time to catch the airport shuttle at 6:30 AM as planned. Remarkably, we were checked in, through security and seated in the Frontier boarding area by 7:10. Our flight wasn't scheduled to leave until 9. The plan was to get a quick breakfast at the airport, but we are a little spoiled by the accomodations at Denver International Airport. The concourse in SFO only has two places to eat, naturally both were packed. I seem to remember just two days over a week ago, we had similar plans to grab something quick to eat before our flight. Those plans didn't work out either.

But today, I was able to grab some fruit juice and yogurt with fruit in it, to tide us over until we returned home. Just after 9 AM, our flight roared over San Francisco Bay and turned eastward, carrying us back to Denver. The flight from San Franciso to Denver typically requires 2 hours,roughly 20 minutes less than the flight there thanks to typically favorable tail winds. With the modern marvel of having small television sets available at every seat, the time passed quickly while I enjoyed 2 episodes of The Flintstones, then The Daily Show and the Colbert Report. By the time Stephen was bidding us goodbye for the day, our plane was just a few feet above the runway at Denver International Airport.

We managed to collect or luggage and catch the shuttle back to Arvada, this time without injury to either of us. We were greeted as we walked in the door by an excited little gray kitty, who hasn't drifted far from my feet since we got home.

A few minor malfunctions occured almost immediately. The little chain that permits the handle on the toilet to flush fell off...easy fix. Then the phone rang, and our alarm company notified us that the battery on our smoke alarm was dangerously low. As if they really needed to tell us that: It started that annoying, "My battery is low" beep just before they called. At least I know they are still actively monitoring our system, especially since we have a bad habit of not using it.

Our journey to San Francisco was wonderful, despite the early road bump and less than ideal weather. The whole thing might have been a frustrating disaster, had it not been for the magnificently accomodating people at Frontier Airlines, who are going to be getting a very nice email, and probably all of our future business. As usual, a lot of other people also helped make this yet another memorable journey: The people of Wyndham Motels, The people at Grey Line tours, the Red and White Fleet in San Francisco, the Go Card people and many others too numerous to mention. Also, a big salute to the people of the San Francisco Bay area for their hospitality. We will return one day.

And two dolla tiga is now proudly displayed with the memoribilia of other journeys.


Travel Tales Spring 2011: Kex and Joy in The Texas Panhandle:

DAY ONE: Here is an old joke: How do you get from Colorado to Texas? Go south until you smell it, and east until you step in it. But let's be a little more specific: How do you get from the Denver area to Shamrock, Texas? There are actually two reasonable routes. One of them isn't a very interesting drive, and the other is a wildly boring drive, so we opted for the former.

Now, here is a more relevent question: WHY would anyone go from the Denver area to Shamrock, Texas. The occasion was the 50th wedding anniversary of one of Joyce's aunt and uncles. Attending all of those can keep us pretty busy and well traveled, but we do it anyway. We are fond of all of them and they seem to enjoy seeing us now and then.

The route we chose begins with the journey down I-25 through Colorado Springs and Pueblo and continues along the foothills of the southern Colorado Rockies to Raton, New Mexico. That part of the drive isn't too bad. Then we have to turn east. The drive across northeast New Mexico gets somewhat more tedious. The most interesting feature along the route is the Capulin volcano, an extinct cindercone volcano that last erupted around 10,000 years ago. In human terms, that is quite a stretch of time, but it is a mere blink of an eye in geologic time. Of course, there are folks around that believe that date is about 4000 years before the Earth was even created, which underscores the desperate need to do a better job of teaching science these days.

I can keep myself reasonably amused for awhile doing as much inspection of the volcano's effects on the landscape as is possible while driving along at 70 mph. By the time one reaches the outer regions of the volcano's influence, you reach the last of the interesting topography a traveler will encounter on the route for quite awhile: Rabbit Ass Hill in far northeastern New Mexico. Actually, that isn't the real name, but it isn't much of a mountain and it looks nothing like rabbit ears, so I renamed it more appropriately.

Upon exiting New Mexico, one is required to make the 3 hour drive across Asshole of the Earth Texas prior to reaching Shamrock. The first town you encounter upon entering Texas is Texline. I'm pretty sure they will probably rename it Kexline now that I have driven through there. Quick: Name the most famous person ever to come out of Texline? Don't worry. I can't either.

There are only two other reasonably sized towns on the way to Shamrock. One of them is Dumas. I renamed it too...actually, I just changed the pronounciation a little. It seems appropriate. The other city is Amarillo. It's a pretty big city, but we didn't actually go through it. We sort of cut around it to save time.

After heading east from Amarillo, one has the opportunity to see the largest cross in the northern hemisphere, which stands along the highway just outside of Groom, Texas. I'm not sure if it really is the largest cross in the northern hemisphere or not, but they claim it is. I'm sort of thinking about building a bigger one and standing it up in our condo courtyard just to piss them off. Do you think it would be adding insult to injury to build it out of popscicle sticks?

Finally, after continuing to drive east, you arrive in Shamrock, Texas. Shamrock is the home of the tallest water tower in Texas. I'm not sure how they determined that, or why it is significant, but everyone in Shamrock seems kind of proud of the fact that they have the tallest water tower in the state. I don't know who has the tallest water tower in Colorado. Leave it to Texans to stage a "mine's bigger" contest over water towers.

We arrived in town tired to pleased to be off the road. After checking in with our relatives and setting up a motel room, we settled in for a good night's sleep.

Day Two: After getting up and around Saturday morning, we headed out to have breakfast with Joyce's parents who had also arrived in town for the festivities. Anytime there is an occasion in Joyce's family, the population of whatever town it is being held in rises dramatically for a couple days. At this point, I need to pause for a moment for a special communication to the state of Texas:

To Whom It May Concern in the State of Texas:

Please be aware that in civilized parts of the world, where we have long since discovered that cigarette smoking is seriously dangerous to your health, restaurants are now required, at the very least, to create smoking and non-smoking sections for the patrons. Some advanced places on the planet have taken the really radical, but sensible, step of banning smoking in restaurants altogether. Please give the matter some consideration. You might even find that it makes food taste better.

Regards,
Ken

Okay, back to the subject at hand. After breakfast, we had some time to kill before the get together that evening. So, we headed out exploring. Shamrock, Texas is actually located at the crossroads of old U.S. highway 83 and Route 66. At one point in its history, it was actually sort of a major crossroads in the country. Then along came the Interstate highway system which made Route 66 obsolete, and killed off a lot of small towns and interesting tourist traps along the way. But you can still follow the old Route 66 east or west out of Shamrock for a considerable distance. We chose to head west first.

Traveling about 20 miles east of Shamrock, you arrive in McClean, Texas. There used to be a reptile farm in Mclean, where you could see all sort of snakes. I can imagine that while driving cross country on old Route 66 in the DeSoto, loaded with a few screaming kids in the backseat, stopping off in McClean to see rattlesnakes would have been a pretty welcome distraction from the tedium of the trip. Incidentally, here is something you might not know. Texas is the only state in the U.S. that has at least one species of every kind of poisonous snake native to North America: Cottonmouths, Copperheads, Watermoccasins, Rattlesnakes and Coral Snakes.

The reptile farm is long gone, but you can still see a restored version of the very first Phillips 66 station in Texas along the old route. There is also a Route 66 museum, which also contains photos from the Dust Bowl era and a Barbed Wire museum. We killed about an hour there. I must say that my knowledge of the subject of barbed wire is now considerably more complete than it was on the morning of April 2, 2011. I was going to take a picture of the old Phillips station, but I quickly discovered that I had left my camera in the motel room back in Shamrock. What a bummer.

We then headed back to the motel to get the camera, and proceeded our exploration of Route 66 eastward. It was a darned good thing that I stopped to pick the camera up, too. We found ourselves in Eric, Oklahoma, which just happens to be the birthplace of Roger Williams (King of the Road) and Sheb Wooley (Purple People Eater). Having now seen the birthplace of those two American icons, I now feel I have truly seen the best the nation has to offer.

After that incredible discovery in Eric, we figured that further exploration of Route 66 would be pretty pointless. So we headed back to Shamrock to take a few local photos. Those included an iconic Conoco station, the water tower and the topiary bear in front of the local library. The library itself was closed that day. I guess someone checked out the book. Exhausted from our day's explorations, we went back to the motel for a brief nap before the evening's celebration.

Day Three: Originally, we had planned to remain in Shamrock until Monday morning. But several of the relatives in town were already planning to depart Sunday, some bad weather appeared to be heading for the Panhandle area, and having already been overwhelmed by discovering the hometown of Sheb Wooley and Roger Miller, we figured that not much else could top what we had already seen. So after enjoying breakfast with some of the relatives, we headed west.

We made a brief stop in Groom so I could take a picture of the big cross. I figure I can calculate the dimensions to build my own. We then continued our westward voyage. I now need to make another brief communication:

To Whom It May Concern in the State of Texas:

In most civilized parts of the world, roadside rest stops are not limited to a couple of covered picnic tables alongside the road. Typically, restrooms are provided for weary travelers. Please give it some consideration.

Regards,
Ken

It was a long drive back across the barren expanses of the Texas Panhandle, made more difficult by high winds. By the time we reached Colorado Springs, a heavy mix of rain and snow was falling, but we navigated it without problems. We arrived back home safely. The trip was enjoyable...how can any trip that includes a visit to the hometown of Sheb Wooley not be? But we were happy to be home, and a little gray kitty was happy to see us.



TRAVEL TALES SUMMER 2010: Kex and Joy in the Show Me State:


DAY ONE: Maybe the folks working at airport security read this page once in awhile. Things were much more pleasant at airport security today. A few friendly smiles, even a little comforting small talk. That made the entire experience much nicer. I could even tolerate getting stuck behind an old guy in a wheel chair. They did do a rather thorough search of his person since he didn't seem to be able to get through the metal detector. I think it probably had something to do with the enormous belt buckle he was wearing that he didn't catch the concept of removing. They also did a pretty extensive check of the chair itself. I realize these people have a job to do and there are specific proceedures that must be followed. BUT...I'm kind of willing to take the chance that an 80 year-old guy in a wheel chair probably is a low risk of blowing up the plane. Just a thought...

I wasn't aware that there were any gates at D.I.A. where you actually had to go outside and board the plane on one of those old style ramps; but there are. That is exactly what we had to do. We went down to the end of the B terminal, which is already most of the way to St. Louis. Then we had to go outside where the attendant told us our plane was waiting. I took one look at that little vomit comet and asked where our plane was. The dialogue went something like this:

Me: Where is our plane?
Attendant: That is it right there.
Me: No...I don't think you get the concept. Where is the plane I'M going to actually get on?

Four really big guys and a tazer later, we were uneventfully on our way to St. Louis. There was even an inflight drink service. The Captain popped open a can of Coke and passed it around.

As we decended into St. Louis airport, I spotted two fairly large islands in the high flowing Mississippi River. I couldn't find names for them on the map, so I gave them new names. Henceforth, they will be known as Kenne The Dwin Island and Lesser Kenne The Dwin Island. I might explain that later to everyone except the few people who are laughing their tail ends off right now.

I like St. Louis. I think it has something to do with the big sign in the airport that says, "Welcome to St. Louis. Please set your clock back 30 years." I should have taken a picture. We got our rental car, which only took a couple of minutes...maybe because it wasn't Dollar Rent-a-Car this time. Then we went to the motel. I noticed immediately that there was a problem with the door lock. It flashed green, then yellow a couple of times and unlocked...the first time. After that it wouldn't work again. I went down to the desk to relay the problem to an altogether disinterested counter lady. She tried to reactivate the key.

After trying it again, it still didn't work so I went down there again. This time she promised to send down the maintenance man. After waiting half an hour and nobody showing up, I went back a third time. This time, we were allowed to change rooms. That was okay because we liked the second room better and the key works, even though we had to have it reactivated today.

I don't mind that because it is a fairly common problem, BUT...whoever decided that these retarded electronic, credit card keys are really better than good old fashioned metal keys? Somebody really dumb, I'll bet.

After getting the whole room thing straightened out, we headed for the Mississippi River. We didn't really intend to visit the Arch until Monday, but since we found ourselves right there, we went ahead and explored. I was glad we did, because there weren't many people there. The weather was rainy, so a lot of people evidently did something else. That made the experience very enjoyable.

After that adventure, we went back to our room for the evening. Overall, day one was a good day even though the weather is a bit yucky.


DAY TWO: We didn't get off to a particularly early start. The weather forecast for the day wasn't particularly encouraging, but we decided we were going to do what we had planned regardless. We had breakfast and headed out to the St. Louis Zoo. For anyone who has never been there, the St. Louis Zoo is truly a national treasure. It is the third largest zoo in the country, admission is free and you'll see animals there you have probably never heard of. The habitats are beautiful and the entire zoo is extremely well maintained. This year it is celebrating its 100th birthday, and it has always been one of our nation's most innovative zoos.

It is actually pretty hard to take in the entire zoo in a single day, although we did our level best...for two ancient folks like us anyway. We definitely didn't cover the whole thing, but we saw plenty. Unfortunately my camera batteries died early in the adventure and I couldn't find a shop that sold them at the zoo until late in our visit. Memo to the people at the St. Louis Zoo: maybe a few small souvenir kiosks that sell AA batteries would be a nice addition. However, I still managed to take a lot of pictures. Unfortunately I did miss having my picture taken with their bronze gorilla statue, dampening my quest to have my picture taken with every ape statue in the United States. Oh well...so I mss one. I saw it and stood next to it... :-P~~~~ The weather actually wasn't too bad. There were a couple of brief showers, but it didn't deter us one bit.

We returned to our room tired and ready to spend some time studying the backside of our eyelids. Tomorrow we'll take the tour of Busch Stadium, do a little more exploring and attend tomorrow night's game between St. Louis and Washington assuming that there is no rain out. At this point, it looks like there may be showers tomorrow, but a rainout is unlikely.

There probably won't be a day 3 update posted tomorrow since we are likely to get home late, but if all goes well, day 3 and 4 updates will be posted sometime Tuesday night.


DAY 3: The day started once again under threatening skies, which was of major concern since we had tickets to the night's game between the Cardinals and the Washington Nationals. If a MLB game gets rained out, you can exchange the ticket for any other home game played that season, but obviously, we weren't going to be in St. Louis to see another Cardinals' game. No refunds are permitted. The Cardinals have surprisingly low ticket prices so I wasn't all that worried about losing out on the money, but to be perfectly honest, the primarly reason we went to St. Louis in the first place was to see a game at the new Busch Stadium. A rainout would have been a huge disappointment.

After getting ourselves up and around, we headed out to the stadium to take the tour. We've seen quite a few of the stadiums around the country now, but the new Busch Stadium is truly a gem. It is extremely fan friendly, the site lines from all the seats are terrific and the view toward the Arch and downtown area is beautiful. The tour reinforced our hopes to actually see a game there. The encouraging aspect was that despite the gray skies, no rain fell through the morning and the grounds crew at the stadium was working without having the infield covered with the tarp. Typically they have pretty good information from the NWS, so we were feeling better about things.

After the stadium tour, we checked out the old court house. It is rich in history, and was the location of the Dredd-Scott Case decision that probably set the nation on the inevitable march toward the Civil War. A lot of restoration is going on there right now, but it was worth seeing. Then we walked back down to the Mississippi River.

The primary reason for that adventure was to see if the predictions related to us by the guys who work at the riverboat landing place by the river were true or not. They told us on Saturday that the river was supposed to rise above the street that runs along the Mississippi, and probably reach the bottom stairs of the Great Staircase just east of the Arch. I kind of thought that they were greasing us.

As it turns out, they knew what they were taking about. The street was a good couple of feet underwater, and the first step or two at the bottom of the staircase were also underwater. Saturday and Monday pics will eventually be posted on the ON THE ROAD WITH KEX page once we get home. I was impressed with both the rise of the water and the accuracy of the predictions. Evidently, the water is supposed to rise about another 4 feet. That won't be close to the record, but it will definitely cause problems for folks that live in other locations along the river.

After resting a bit, we headed back to the stadium for the evenings game. The rain held off, at least long enough to get the game underway and the Cardinals exploded for 4 runs in the bottom of the 1st inning. The rain never really came, although this weird mist began gently falling around the 4th inning. It wasn't enough to affect play, although it was sufficient to get you pretty wet, pretty fast. Fortunately we had the foresight to bring an unbrella with us.

I have to give a lot of plaudits to Cardinal fans. On a night that it wasn't particularly warm, the weather was threatening and their team had been struggling, they drew a great crowd. Cardinal fans also are very attentive to what is going on down on the field. A lot of the bandwagon Rockies fans could learn a great deal from the way Cardinal fans behave at the games. We definitely didn't see a lot of people constantly coming and going from their seats to get beer or go to the bathroom or whatnot. They sat there, cheered for their team and watched the game. What a concept.

Washington eventually scored two runs to make it close. We ended up leaving in the 8th inning since we had an early morning and a long drive ahead. The Cardinals ultimately won 6-2. Meanwhile, the Rockies had their 3 game winning streak snapped in Chicago, so our presence could only partially benefit the Cardinals.


DAY 4: Jeff Foxworthy defines rednecks as people with a glorious lack of sophistication. All I can say is, greetings from Redneck Valhalla. Okay...permit me to back up a bit. Missouri was a Civil War border state, where slavery was legal. To this day it maintains the attitudes and leanings of other southern states that were part of, or sympathetic to the confederacy. That became wildly evident on the drive from St. Louis to Branson. Just by reading the roadside billboards, I can now tell you everywhere in Missouri where you can purchase guns, fireworks or porn. They also seem to have all the musical bases covered here with their FM radio stations. By scanning around, you can pick between Country, Western or Gospel. Oh yes...there is also Classical; Classical Country, Classical Western and Classical Gospel. This place should be renamed. I suggest "Even Wester Virginia."

Of course, the billboards peddling firearms, small explosives and smut weren't the only ones. Following conventions of other southern states, there are also lots of them professing very specific religious viewpoints. I have always found it very curious that in portions of the country where large numbers of people complain the most about government interferring in our lives, they seem to be the least shy about poking their noses into our lives. There is a word for that.

Along the drive, I also spotted a couple of other unique opportunities. For example, according to one billboard we could have stopped off and seen the world's largest rocker. I wasn't sure whether we would have seen a big piece of furniture or Meatloaf, so I drove on. There was also an opportunity to see a vacuum cleaner museum. I almost gave in to temptation on that one. I really didn't want to see vacuum cleaners, but I had sort of a crazy urge to go in just to see what kind of people were in there. A Boy Scout Museum was also on the route, but that one wasn't too appealing either. I sort of thought that looking at diaramas with dead, stuffed boy scouts might be a little gouche.

Besides, we wanted to get to Silver Dollar City, aka Hillbilly Disneyland, as early as possible. I have to admit that I was utterly stunned by how popular of an attraction it is. Well, then again, maybe considering that it is located in absolutely the best possible place in the entire country, maybe I'm not that surprised.

Okay....I had fun there. We watched a few shows, looked at the wares of the various artisans, did some people watching....the guy wearing Bermuda Shorts and cowboy boots is a marvelous example of the glorious absence of sophistication I cited above. Then again, I find enough entertainment in just about any situation I find myself in that I never get bored.

After leaving Hillbilly Dis...I mean Silver Dollar City, we went on into Branson and checked into our motel. Branson itself was love at first sight. There is a Titanic Museum actually shaped like the bow of the Titanic. The Hollywood Wax Museum has a statue of King Kong. There is a Dinosaur Valley Mini Golf. They either knew I was coming, or hoped I would someday.

Meanwhile, our motel room has an inroom jacuzzi/hottub. Since this is essentially the offseason here, I got it for about half of what it could cost after Memorial Day. How cool is that? Tomorrow, we will take the Showboat tour, do some souvenir shopping and probably take in a show tomorrow night. Stay tuned for the next update.


DAY 5: First of all, I need to wrap up a few loose ends regarding things I was going to talk about before but just forgot about.

*While we were in St. Louis, we ate lunch at a White Castle. For some of you, that might not be a big deal, but we don't have them in Colorado and somehow or another, I've never eaten at one in any of my past travels. After finally having had that experience, I take it that it is an acquired taste. Thank goodness I probably won't be forced to acquire it.

*Evidently, Mermac Cave in Missouri is sort of the Show Me State answer to Wall Drug. That place gets more billboard play than any of the local gun stores. According to some of the billboards, it was one of Jesse James hideouts. I really doubt that. They could have found him in no time flat with all those billboards giving his location away.

*Hillbilly Disn...er, Silver Dollar City is the only place in the world that has traffic control officers for those ride on carts old people use. I think there are also wreckers to haul away the debris from the numerous accidents.

*I've come up with an even better idea for making a lot of money than my store in Las Vegas that sells slutty little black dresses. I'm going to open up a chain of Redneck Superstores all across the south. They will sell guns, fireworks and adult toys. That way people won't have to go to three different places to spend their money. I may also offer discount tickets to shows in Branson.

*Why is this area called The Ozark Mountains when there are no mountains? There are hills. There are definitely hillbillies...the Ozark Hillbillies. Maybe that musical group should be called the Ozark Hillbilly Daredevils.

Moving right along: Everyone in Branson is older than Joyce and I....put together. The very small number of people here that are younger than we are all all called the same thing--grandchildren; in some cases, great-grandchildren. When you go to shows here, you are never sure whether you are hearing loud applause from the audience, or just the sound of old people's bones clicking together.

Today, we went on the Showboat Cruise on the Branson Bell. I have never felt so safe in my life aboard a mass transportation vehicle that actually went somewhere. I was supremely confident that even if the boat sank, the only people aboard that could get to the lifeboats any faster than Joyce and I were the staff and actors aboard the ship. Nobody else could have possibly beat us to them unless they collectively beat us down with their walkers and canes. I'm pretty sure we could have been out of range before they even found them.

That wasn't a problem anyway. The food aboard the boat was great, the show was marvelous and the cruise was also very enjoyable. As shows go here in Branson, it is one of the more pricey ones, but I strongly recommend it to anyone who is planning a trip here in the future. I promise you will enjoy yourself immensely.

After the showboat, we did a little shopping and exploring, then we spent the evening at the Jim Stafford show. I know some of my younger readers are now asking, "Who is Jim Stafford?" I am answering, "Kiss mine you lousy little..." never mind. He is still a supremely talented guy. His kids are in his show now too, and they are actually younger than you might expect. But unlike many of my readers, the vast majority of people who attend shows here in Branson are quite familiar with Stafford. Of course, every entertainer here faces the distinct possibility that their shows could conclude with a coroner's report. Maybe several.

I did enjoy Branson and I suspect we may make short visits here again in the future. Anyplace with a gigantic statue of King Kong is definitely on my cool list. Tomorrow it is on to Carthage, where Joyce will have the opportunity to run up our credit card debt at The Precious Moments Chapel. Our day 6 adventures should be posted tomorrow night.


DAY 6: It would be remiss of me if I didn't start by mentioning something I forgot yesterday. Congratulations to the Branson High School Skeet Shooting team for winning the Missouri State Championship. Gee...a high school skeet shooting team. There is an idea. However, if your high school skeet shooting team is picked to finish last in their conference, it probably is a good idea to avoid attending a lot of their matches. Just a suggestion.

Today we made the short drive to Carthage, Missouri where we spent a good deal of the day that the Precious Moments Chapel and gift shop. The art work in the chapel really is beautiful, and there is also a lot of beautiful sculptures on the immaculately maintained grounds. Okay, I know some of you out there are getting impatient. I'm not going to quote the posted "over-under" for how much Joy would spend in the gift shop, but the "under" bettors may cash in their tickets. Barely...and I mean, JUST BARELY. Fortunately, the wonderful people at Precious Moments offer shipping services. Let's just say that we took advantage of that.

I feel sorry for armadillos. Either those poor things are utterly incapable of getting out of the way of oncoming autos, or people here get points bonuses on their driver's licenses for turning them into roadside mush. Evidently they aren't very good "eatin'" either, because nobody seems to bother to claim the prize after they run them down. Maybe we've just been going to the wrong restaurants too, because I haven't seen them offered up anywhere. Dead possums alongside the road aren't nearly as common, so I presume that either they have more inherent capability of avoiding tires or they are considerably tastier. I'm confident someone will educate me on this point, assuming I can decipher their writing.

After leaving Precious Moments, we briefly explored Carthage (a brief exploration is all that is required) and then we visited the site of the first Battle of Carthage, which was the site of the first "official" battle of the Civil War. I'm not a historian, and I don't necessarily want to pee on local history, but after examining the battlefield and reading a little about the context of the "battle," I came away with two conclusions:

1. The "battle" was probably more of an over-hyped skirmish.

2. A significant amount of homemade "spirits" and a handful of drunk hillbillies figured prominently into the scenario.

A second battle was fought several miles east of here later in the war which I know was considerably more significant, but that wasn't on the agenda for this trip.

The weather through our entire trip has been somewhat marginal. There were actually flood warnings out for most of southwest Missouri last night. As the matter of a fact, they are still in effect. We've seen rain at some point during the day every single day of our trip. Fortunately, it hasn't really affected anything we have done.

Tomorrow morning we head north to Kansas City where we will probably visit the Negro League Baseball Museum and the Hallmark Museum. Saturday afternoon we will attend the Rockies-Royals game before flying home Sunday morning. I doubt that I will have an internet connection either tomorrow or Friday, but if I do I will post updates. Otherwise, the updates for the next three days will be posted Sunday along with pictured on the ON THE ROAD WITH KEX page.


DAY 7: The day began with our departure from Carthage, heading north toward Kansas City. Apart from the Precious Moments Chapel, there really isn't much to see or do in Carthage. The northbound drive toward Kansas City isn't really very interesting, and there is comparitively little to provide diversion apart from counting dead armadillos. I also tried to figure out the difference between Opossums and possums. As close as I can figure, "possum" is what they are called in casual conversation, and "opossum" is what you say just before you run their ass over. We arrived in the Kansas City area without difficulty. It is a testament to the nature of the week's adventures when arriving in Kansas City approximates a feeling of returning to civilization.

We actually stayed in Lone Jack, which is about 20 miles east of Kansas City proper. There was a comparatively minor Civil War battle fought there as well, although the only reason anyone who isn't a total Civil War fanatic would have ever heard of it is that it happens to be the battle in which John Wayne's famed character, Rooster Cogburn, claims to have lost his eye. Evidently no one has ever found it.

After getting settled into our quarters in Lone Jack, we headed into Kansas City and explored the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum. I'd like to be able to tell you that I have a lot of pictures to share from that attraction, but they don't permit photography inside the museum. Apparently someone decided that most of you would be considerably less likely to visit it if you look at my pictures. The reality is that if you ever visit Kansas City and you have any interest in baseball, you almost certainly will just because there isn't much else to do. The Jazz Museum is right next to the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, and you get a major discount if you visit both. I guess for the considerably discounted price we paid to visit it the experience was probably worth it, but I can't say that I know much more about jazz now than I did before...call it a lack of special effort on my part.

That night, we went out and had some pretty good barbeque. I think it is a state law that if you visit Kansas City, you have to eat barbeque at least once. So we did, and enjoyed it very much.


DAY 8: Saturday was Rockies-Royals game day, and I wasn't feeling very confident about the Rockies' chances. They aren't playing all that well, and the Royals smacked them 9-2 the night before. So when we arrived at the stadium, I was resigned to enjoying the game regardless of the outcome, and appreciating the first sunny, completely rainfree day we had during the entire vacation.

Prior to the game, we walked around Kaufmann Stadium, which is a very beautiful facility. It is approaching 40 years old, but a lot of great recent reinnovations and excellent care over the years have held it high on the list of baseball's premier stadiums. During our walk around, we also ran into some of the Rockies' television and press people. It was fun to have the opportunity to speak with them, as well as getting their perspectives on the upgrades to the stadium.

Well, once again, our presence brought the Rockies some good fortune. An outstanding pitching performance by Jeff Francis and the bullpen, combined with timely hitting led to a 3-0 Rockies victory. Maybe they are starting to turn things around.


DAY 9: All U.S. airports are identified by a 3 letter ID code. Some of them make sense, like DIA for Denver International Airport, or SFO for San Francisco International Airport. Some don't, like ORD for O'Hare International Airport in Chicago or ACK for Nantucket Airport. I think the ID letters for Kansas City International Airport are WTF. Perhaps someday, somebody will explain to me why they tried to build a major city international airport on about 5 acres of land. It has to be the only airport in the world where you have more room on the plane than you do in the concourses.

The efforts to save space led to at least one good idea. At most airports when you rent a car, you go to the rental counter in the airport, rent your car, then you get on a shuttle bus provided by the rental company and they take you several miles away to their lot, where you pick up your car. At KC, you get on one shuttle bus regardless of which company you want to rent from, then they take you to a building where all of the rental companies are headquartered. Their lots are also right at the same place. That sort of makes sense to me. Too bad the rest of the airport doesn't.

The flight home was reasonably pleasant. Going places is nice, coming home is always better. Naturally, a little gray kitty was very pleased to see us.

In all of our travels, from St. Louis to Branson to Carthage to Kansas City, numerous people showed us magnificent hospitality. As always we are deeply indebted to all the people who answered our questions, made us feel at home and very much welcome a long way from home. Thanks again to all of you, and a very very special thank you to Joyce's Uncle Mike and Aunt Judy!

P.S. As we were unpacking a short time ago, I as actually marvelling at the fact that our load of souvenirs was somewhat down this year. However, I forgot that the convoy of semis from the Precious Moments Gift Shop hasn't arrived yet.



TRAVEL TALES Winter 2010: Kex and Joy in Sin City


DAY ONE:

We need to begin this discussion by having a brief word with people who work in airport security, particularly at Denver International Airport. I get it people: You have a crappy job and you don't get paid much to do it. I can't even imagine what constitutes a good day on that job. But here is the deal: Being subjected to you doing your job is no picnic for us either. Aspects of it are a bit humiliating, and a lot of people are naturally stressed by flying, or are dealing with other unpleasant aspects stemming from having to fly somewhere. It really wouldn't kill to you try to be at least a little bit pleasant. At worst, try to smile once in awhile...you just might find that it makes your job suck a little less.

Next, a word with the flying public. This overhead carry on thing was bad before, but now it is getting completely out of hand. Some of you were already dragging on items that were probably too large to begin with, and now you are overstuffing them to the point where there is no way they are going to fit in the overhead compartments without a shoe horn and a LOT of shoving. I understand that some of you think that you are saving time by skipping the baggage claim area. But the reality is that in most airports, by the time you navigate your way from the concourse to the terminal, your bags are arriving about the same time anyway...particularly when we are delayed getting off the plane by waiting on you to get your oversized, jammed baggage out of the overheads. Remember also that you are generally delaying the plane 10 to 15 minutes by having to try to get all your crap in the overheads to begin with. So the 5 minutes you are saving are more than lost by the extra 20-30 minutes you are creating in increasing boarding time and deplaning time.

The public isn't solely at fault here either. Allow me to recommend a simple solution here...I'm speaking to you, now, airline people: STOP charging for luggage. It's dumb. If you really need to increase your revenues, raise my ticket prices. The simple fact of the matter is, it doesn't make much difference to me whether I am paying $xxx or $xxx + $20 for the ticket. If it is the lowest price or gets me there when I want to be there, I'm going to pay the price. So let's stop playing this dumb game. You are only encouraging bad behavior.

We arrived in Vegas early Friday morning after a reasonably pleasant flight. I booked us one of those packages that includes both flight and hotel, and the people in Vegas who arrange those packages like to get you into town as early as possible and have you leave as late as possible, consequently we arrived a few hours before we could check into our motel room. So we checked our bags at the motel and went out exploring. The first order of business was eating breakfast. Since Jimmy Buffet's place was more or less across the street from our motel, we ate there. Like most restaurant food in Vegas it was a bit overpriced, but not bad...still, I wouldn't recommed that Jimmy quit his day job.

We then spent some time exploring the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace. The place is loaded with stores displaying merchandise that I probably wouldn't buy even if I could afford it, but it was sort of fun to walk through. We then went to this little kiosk store and bought some ridiculously overpriced ice cream. Actually, they call it "gelato." It was good, but after looking up "gelato," I discovered that it is Italian for "ridiculously overpriced ice cream."

By the time we finished that adventure we were able to check into our room. We stayed at the Imperial Palace. The rooms there aren't as fancy as some of the shiny new hotels, but it met our needs quite well. The only downside was that the mattresses were a bit on the firm side. How firm? Think of Fred Flintstone's bed....right about in that class. However, we came home tired enough most of the nights that we could have slept on the floor.

After getting situated in the room, we headed out to Mme Toussaud's Wax Museum. That was a lot of fun. They let us pose with any of the statues we wanted to. We had fun there and did a little souvenir hunting in nearby shops. We had tickets for a show Friday night and we didn't want to carry our treasures in with us. So I walked back to the hotel while Joyce found a spot to sit and rest. When one is walking along the strip in Vegas, you are almost certain to encounter lines of illegal aliens handing out these little cards with names and pictures of ladies for hire on them. Evidently they are paid by the number of cards they give out. Consequently, they are very annoying in their efforts to get you to take one. I thought that I had successfully navigated my way through the lines, but when we got home that night, Joyce found about 8 of them that had been tossed into my bag. That is kind of a shame, because if I had got two more, I'd have had a complete set.

After going back and finding Joyce (I only got lost once) we headed over to the Mirage to catch the Terry Fator show. Terry Fator is the ventriloquist who won on America's Got Talent a few years ago. He is every bit as good as Jeff Dunham, who is a bit more popular these days. Dunham is probably better at straight comedy, but Fator does celebrity impressions both by voice and singing as well. Overall, I'd say Fator is the more talented fo the two, although they are both terrific. That show brought an end to our day one adventures.

DAY 2:
Having drained a lot of our energy on the first day, we had a much lighter day planned for day 2. After sleeping in pretty late, I got up and began searching for the free shuttle that would transport us from our hotel to the Rio, where we had tickets to see Penn and Teller. Those not familiar with the Las Vegas strip might be unaware that most of the hotels on the strip are not only massive in their own right, but many of them are connected together. For example, the Imperial Palace where we stayed is directly connected to Harrah's next door so you can go from one to the other without ever setting foot outdoors. There is a shuttle that permits guests at Imperial and Harrah's to go to the Rio which is a couple of miles west of the strip. The only problem is that it is a bear to find, and there are very few signs inside offering direction. After numerous false starts and trial and error, we eventually found the shuttle.

Actually our route wasn't all that direct. First we gambled away the five dollar credits the hotel gave us for staying there. That took a couple of seconds. At this point I should probably note that technology has changed the way games are played in Vegas and probably elsewhere considerably since I was last in a casino. Gone are the days when you pumped change into the machines, permitting you some idea of how much you are actually spending. These days you put bills into the machines, then you can play pennies, nickels, dimes quarters or whatever you want to wager. That seems a bit dangerous to me, but fortunately neither of us are gamblers and we didn't leave much behind...more on that later.

Upon arriving at the Rio, we explored the overpriced retail shops, ate, watched some sporting events in the sports book area and Joyce got introduced to the game of Keno. She won the very first game in the series, but never managed another win. We quickly learned that it isn't as easy as it looks. Like most games in Vegas, the odds are always in favor of the house...typically not by much, but just enough so that you'll keep playing with the hope of victory. That of course, is an illusion.

We then enjoyed the Penn and Teller show, which mostly involves spending ninety minutes with them messing with your mind. It is all in fun and very entertaining. I would also note that Penn Jillette along with James Randi have performed invaluable services to the Committee for Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal (CSICOP) in exposing the methods of charlatans like Slyvia Brown and John Edwards who claim various psychic powers but are really just praying on vunerable people. Magicians are a lot harder to fool than scientists. After the show we returned to our hotel for a good night's sleep.

DAY 3:

Major shopping day. We bought day passes on the strip's bus line, and began by heading south. That took us to a destination Joyce was very much looking forward to, the M&M's World Store. The posted over, under on how much Joyce would spend there was $150. Those of you who bet the "under" may cash in your winning tickets...but just barely. Right next door to M&M's World is the Coca-Cola store. Close as I have been able to determine, if you want to drink a Coke in Las Vegas, that is the only place to buy it. Every restaurant and casino in Vegas seems to have a contract with Pepsi. You Coke people ought to try to get your feet back in the door somewhere. Then we headed back north to the "downtown' area. That was kind of fun for me because the last time I was in Vegas, and it was quite awhile ago, the strip was just starting to build up and for all intents and purposes, the downtown area WAS Vegas. That area has undergone kind of an interesting transformation. Here in Colorado, we have limited stakes gambling in the old mining towns of Central City and Blackhawk. What were once touristy souvenir stores have been transformed into casinos. Curiously in Vegas, a lot of the old downtown casinos have been turned into souvenir stores. I found that ironic.

We then ventured into what the self-proclaimed "largest souvenir store in the world," Bonanzas. It is definitely large, but whether or not it is actually the largest is anyone's guess..

The headliner at the Imperial Palace was Frank Marino, who is a rather famous female impersonator. In his show he does impressions of all sorts of past and present L.V. Divas. Maybe that is why the show is called "Divas." We didn't go see his show, but imagine my shock when we happened to notice that he was featured on the cover of Gay Las Vegas Magazine.. We saw a copy of it in one of those street boxes that have all the tacky tabloids. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

By the way, I know how I'm going to make a kajillion dollars. I'm going to open a store in Vegas that only sells one thing; short, low cut, slutty little black dresses. I happened to notice that those are almost required uniforms on Saturday nights in Vegas...even for some of the guys.

Our long day of shopping brought a close to day 3 in Vegas...the treasures we accumulated, particularly Joyce's haul in the M&M store should be arriving by train anytime now.

DAY4:

We had to check out of the hotel by 11, but our flight wasn't leaving until after 8 PM, so we had a lot of time to kill. We checked out of the hotel and checked our luggage, then headed across the street to the Mirage to eat. After breakfast, we went to Seigfried and Roy's Secret Garden. It isn't very secret though, because we found it. In fact, there are signs up all over the place. Once there, you get to see dolphins and some of their exotic cats like white lions and tigers. It was a great place to kill a couple of hours. Then we headed back over to the Bellagio in hopes of watching the dancing fountains a couple of more times. Unfortunately it was only 1 PM and they don't start the fountain shows until 3. So across the street we went and explored Paris.

Here is something startling: After a couple of days, one casino looks pretty much like another and if you've seen one store with overpriced crap you wouldn't buy anyway, you've seen them all. It was kind of cold and windy outside, but we braved the weather and rode ot the top of the Eiffel Tower. It was pretty during the day...I imagine it is magnificent at night. It must be, because they charge you an extra 5 bucks at night.

We then went to a buffet and ate overpriced but very good French food. By that time we had an opportuity to watch the fountains a couple of times, then head back to the Imperial Palace to catch our shuttle back to the airport. Little were we aware that we were about to watch the best comedy show of the trip.

There were two flights heading to Denver that night out of the same gate. One was supposed to leave a little after 7PM. Our flight was scheduled to leave a little after 8. Both flights had similar flight numbers, the higher of the two was actually the 7 PM flight. However, the first flight was late getting into Vegas, and they didn't even start boarding the early flight until about the time our flight was supposed to board. Consequently, the scene at that gate was a comedy of passenger stupidity and airline incompetence... Yes Frontier Airlines, I'm talking to YOU. Not only were people from the late flight attempting to board the early one despite the fact that a few announcements were being made, the airline people at the gate weren't paying close enough attention to the tickets and letting them on. That led to the correct passengers boarding and finding people in their seats, and the airline people having to get the wrong passengers off. Meanwhile, our plane was sitting out on the tarmack waiting for that one to get boarded and leave so that we could get out of there. Even as bad of a fiasco as it was, everything eventually got straightened out and we left about a half hour late.

So the final score in terms of our gambling activity: We both lost $5 in free vouchers...that doesn't count. Joyce lost $5 on a machine while I was looking in a store and she dropped about $20 playing Keno, although she won $1 back. I won $3.55 on a poker machine (TAKE THAT VEGAS!!!), but I also have 2 sports bets riding: $20 on the Colorado Rockies to win the National League Pennant at 8-1 and $20 on the Rockies to win the World Series at 20-1. So we could still come out ahead and at worst, we didn't lose very much. Suffice it to say that those glitzy motels weren't built on the backs of folks like us.

We had a great time and as usual, we were shown a lot of hospitality by a lot of people...I'm sure we'll return soon, although a 3 or 4 day visit is about all I can handle. I invented a new game on the plane on the way home. Next time we are there and I see a line of guys handing out those girly cards, I'm going to shout "IMMIGRE!!!!" That should be fun. Vegas is a fun place, but it has its downsides for sure...Alan Parson's Project hinted at those in a song a couple of decades ago:







TRAVEL TALES: Kex and Joy Deep In Ole Dixie:


DAY 1: Once again this year, I need to have a discussion with some of you. Again, the topic is flying etiquette. Look, folks, we are all getting on the same plane. The airlines have established a boarding system that we are going to discuss in a moment. But the point is, let's say that your ticket is Zone 4. Everybody on the plane is going to board before your group does. That is a simple fact. Sucks to be you. But the plane isn't going to leave without you as long as you are there. So sit down and relax until your Zone group is called. There is no point whatsover in milling around near the boarding door getting in everyone else's way. All you are doing is being a jerk, and it pisses me off. Once again, sit your fanny down and relax. I personally promise that we will not leave you behind, badly as you probably deserve it.

Now, I want to talk to the airlines for a minute. I realize that first class passengers pay more than everyone else. I realize you think that entitles them to get on the plane first. Fine. I can accept that. But once you have them on board, why not board the plane from the back to the front? It makes sense for two reasons: First, the people boarding first are moving to the back of the plane, easing congestion. Second, all those idiots are standing around by the boarding door in everyone elses's way anyway, so let's get their butts out of the way! They seem to be convinced we are going to take off without them, so I have no problem with letting them get on so I don't have to wrestle my way around them.

So, we were hoping to arrive in Orlando the day before the shuttle launch, but the good people at National Aeronautics and Space Administration-Manned Spaceflight Division decided to move the launch date up one day. That didn't bother me much, because the thing usually gets delayed anyway. But as launch time approached, nothing was stopping the countdown. But the time we arrived in Charolette, N.C. things were looking kind of bad. The last hope I had was for bad weather. It was rainy in Charolette. and the cloud cover looked heavy a long way to the south, so my hopes remained kind of high. Once we began heading for Orlando, they were boosted somewhat by the fact that winds were extremely high above 30,000 ft. which could have also postponed the launch. It didn't happen though. The shuttle launched, and we landed an hour late because we had to take a different route to Orlando owing to the normal F.A.A. regulations providing a restricted zone in the area on shuttle launch days.

The F.A.A. doesn't provide a restriction zone due to hazards commerical and private aircraft prose to the shuttle. That is a minor consideration at best. The restriction zone is actually to protect other aircraft. To fully explain that, I have to tell you about the guy who has, in my humble opinion, the suckiest job in the history of the universe.

You see, the Space Shuttle is an enormously complicated machine. There is a finite possibility that a failure in its guidance or propulsion systems could send it off course and in the direction of a major population center, like, say, downtown Orlando. Since it has an explosive potential similar to the power of a small nuclear device should it auger in, an event of that nature could kill more than 100,000 people. Now, here is something NASA will never tell you on any tour. It isn't a secret, but it's something nobody talks about. There is a guy who sits behind a console who's job it is, should he be ordered by the flight director, to activate a device that will reduce the Shuttle and everything and everyone aboard it to a rain of debris mostly about the size of your thumb. That is a job nobody really wants, and has to be held by someone in whom absolute trust can be invested, obviously.

Further, should something catastrophic happen to the shuttle apart from being destroyed on command, particularly if it is at high altitude, the debris can remain aloft for quite some time, presenting a danger to other aircraft. Consequently, if you happen to be flying near Florida on a day of a launch, be prepared for the possibility of arriving at your destination late. I really didn't mind the shuttle launching a day early that much, but....GEE WHIZ!!!!!

Anyway, we arrived safely, and managed to achieve the nearly impossible feat of getting out of Orlando International Airport. Some of you probably know what I mean. We are staying in a nice motel near Lake Tohopekaliga. Naturally I can't pronounce that, so hence forth, it is Alligator Lips Lake. There is also an East Lake Tohopekaliga, but the world doesn't need that, so it is now East Alligator Lips Lake.

Alligator Sightings To Date: 0


Day 2: Orlando is an amusement park. Pretty much the whole city, I mean. There are 4 Disney Parks, Water World, Universal Studios, a couple of kajillion water parks, Olde Town, and a Christian themed amusement park... I realize that this is pretty much the buckle on the Bible Belt, but do we really need to turn Jesus into a thrill ride? Oh! I forgot one: The soon to be constructed, Kex's Amazing World Land. I just bought the land from a guy real cheap! I can't wait to see it.

Today, we did the grand tour of Kennedy Space Center. Someone has managed to turn it into an amusement park as well. There are even rides. I'm making light here a little, but I really strongly encourage anyone who has the opportunity to visit KSC sometime...not KFC...KSC. Here is something you may not know: The largest federal wildlife preserve in the U.S. is The Everglades. The second largest federal wildlife preserve in the U.S. is KSC. NASA doesn't use most of the land, so the entire area is left for wildlife to flourish. So there are two pretty good reasons to visit: One is to learn a lot about our space program, and the other is to see birds, alligators and maybe a manatee or two if you are lucky.

After departing KSC, we took a quick little trip down to Cocoa Beach. Way back in the very early days of Project Mercury, before the area was developed, John Glenn and Scott Carpenter used to run on Cocoa Beach. Another astronaut who only lived on a T.V. show lived in Cocoa Beach; Major Anthony Nelson. Then one day, he got fed up with putting his life on the line in the most dangerous job in the world for a dinky salary, so he had his Genie turn him into a wealthy Texas oilman. However, there is a street called "I Dream Of Jeannie Lane" in Cocoa Beach. I can understand that, but can someone explain "Leave It To Beaver" Lane in Orlando? I don't get that one.

BTW, I need some email from you Floridians. Do you people ever get your cars serviced? This state has more dead cars, most of them comparatively new, along side the road than any other state in the U.S...why?

Oh yeah...I saw the land for the new K.A.W. Land...ummm, I think we'll postpone construction....

Alligator Sightings: One alive in a NASA storm drain. Two roadkill.


Day 3:The only downside to the journey thus far: The motel we are staying in is supposed to have a wifi available in the room I reserved so that I can do these updates. It isn't working. The good news: The motel next door has one that I've been able to hack into. Yay for our team.

We spent today at Epcot. It's cool and I like it. We took in about half of it today, and we'll return Friday. But I made a lot of observations today that will help me with the design and construction of Kex's Amazing World Land, which will begin as soon as I get the swamp drained. Allow me to note that none of the observations I'm about to relate necessarily apply to Disney per se, because nobody in the world does a better job of running amusement parks.

I've already decided on the theme for Kex's Amazing World Land. It's going to be my advertising slogan. It will be, "Kex's Amazing World Land: The most realistic amusement park on Earth." You see, there are all sorts of theme parks out there that try to attract you with gimmicks. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to make you come by promising you everything you know you are going to see anyway. So here is what we are going to have at K.A.W. Land:

WHINING SCREAMING LITTLE KID WORLD: Watch painfully annoying kids throw tantrums when their parents won't let them do what they want. See then throw hissy fits when their parents won't let them buy cheap, overpriced crap in my gift shops that will break ten minutes after they buy it. Thrill to the sight of frustrated parents pleading with, scolding and eventually beating their offspring. Unparalled entertainment is promised for all.

INSUFFERABLE TRAILER TRASH WORLD: See people wearing outfits entirely inappropriate for their age group and or body type. See them wandering around attempting to enter areas clearly marked for employees only, and wondering why they can't get in. See the amusing bickering between spouses who can't figure out where they are or where they are going. Watch in amusement as they collide with other guests, get in everyone's way and cut into lines without apology. The highlight in this area of the park is an IMAX presentation featuring short clips of all the trailer parks that have been destroyed by tornados, hurricanes, floods and other natural disasters in the past calendar year. This presentation lasts 6 hours and 47 minutes.

ANNOYING FOREIGNER WORLD: Amuse yourself to the site of people who don't speak English trying to make themselves understood. See them attempting to negotiate prices in the gift shops, as impatient employees show them the door. Watch as other guests treat them with complete disrespect and intolerance.

OBNOXIOUS MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYEE WORLD: Thrill to the site of completely disinterested employees providing the worst service possible to guests. See them treat guests with complete indifference and disrespect. Watch with amusement as they ignore guests while talking on cell phones or texting friends. Employees who acquire the most complaints are given positive reviews and given raises; "employee of the month honors" are given to the employee who pisses off the most guests.

Of course, other attractions at K.A.W. Land will include a whole hosts of rides that either don't work at all or are down for service, overpriced food and a gift shops with a whole assortment of tee-shirts with monkeys on them and every piece of plastic crap you can imagine with K.A.W. and images of Kex plastered on it.

Alligator sightings today: 0 Meals so far where I've had the opportunity to eat grits, assuming that I had the slightest desire to do so: 4.


Day 4: It does rain sometimes in Florida. It is doing so right now. It rained briefly after we first arrived Monday afternoon. It started raining just after we returned to our motel room Tuesday night and rained all night. Then it started raining as we were getting ready to return to our room today. Thank goodness it does rain here sometimes. Otherwise it would be so darned hot that nobody could stand it. The down side, however, is that it is so humid here that it is hard for those of us from high altitude, low humidity locations to breathe. Even if a breeze comes up, it doesn't help to cool things down much because only hurricane force winds (which they have here now and then) are strong enough to move the air.

Today we went to Disney's Wild Kingdom. It is among the smaller Disney Parks, so I figured we could make sort of a short day of it and rest back up a bit. We started off by going on the Kilamanjaro Safari. That is a pretty neat experience, because the Disney people have done a good job creating the illusion that the animals are all roaming freely without fences.

When we got off the ride, we got to watch a woman have a total meltdown during the course of an argument with some friend or relative over the way she was treating her child. It kind of raised questions about who the wild animals really were in the park. We then toured Dinosaur World a bit, mostly because the company of the long extinct creatures seemed less menacing than that lady.

A short time later, the day became overpoweringly hot, which slowed our already relaxed pace considerably. We attended a live action/puppet musical version of Finding Nemo. Sometimes things that are mostly intended just to get you out of the heat can turn out pretty cool. We enjoyed the play enormously. By the time that was over, we watched a typical but enjoyable Disney parade, then headed for Downtown Disney. Owing to the nature of Wild Kingdom, the park closes significantly earlier than most Disney Parks. We did a little shopping in Downtown Disney, then came back to our room. Another day to complete our explorations at Epcot awaits tomorrow.

Alligator sightings today: One wild, two captive and several Nile Crocodiles captive.
Cardinal Sightings today: Two, which is two more than I saw during our entire vacation in Chicago last year.


Day 5: If I ever knew this at some point in the past I forgot it: EPCOT stands for Experimental Prototype Community Of Tomorrow. If it is the community of tomorrow, we are all destined to move in with a lot of money and leave broke. It is sort of like when the Republicans are in charge of the country. The only difference between leaving Epcot broke and putting up with the Republicans is that at least you get to leave Epcot with a lot of cool stuff. The Republicans just steal everything you have and tell you it was good for you. Why some people still believe their crap escapes me.

Anyway, I only have one problem with visiting Epcot, or any Disney Park for that matter. I tend to get so caught up in thinking about how the ride itself and the various sights and sounds within the rides work that I probably miss a lot of things. Then again, I probably have a much fun as anyone else, so maybe it doesn't matter a whole lot.

A lot of people probably do forget that Epcot isn't just an amusement park. There is a lot of pretty good scientific reasearch in progress there, especially in innovative agricultural techniques. There is also an amazing amount of engineering advancement going on there which translates into the cool attractions we all enjoy, but at the same time the innovative ideas have a lot of practical applications that filter outside the park. So beyond being just a fun place to visit and spend a lot of money, you are also funding some good research by visiting there.

We also got to see a Jose Feliciano concert at Epcot today. I think we were the youngest people in the audience. Nonetheless, it was packed. He can still belt out a nice tune. It is great to know that there are still artists out there who can sing a song without spewing out strings of obscenities. In fact, there wasn't a single one in any of his songs. What a concept.

Our Disney/Orlando part of the vacation has come to a close. Now the baseball part of the vacation begins. Tomorrow we'll be heading out for Tampa/St. Petersburg to take in the game between Tampa Bay and Cleveland Saturday evening, then it will be on to Atlanta Sunday where we'll meet up with the Rockies on Monday. I'm not sure what our internet situation is going to be the next couple of days. An update for Day 6 posted on day 6 appears a bit unlikely, but it will get on here as soon as I can swing it.


Alligator sightings today: No wild ones, several in one of the Epcot research facilities.
Total days during the vacation I haven't seen an alligator: 1


Day 6: Evidently just eating grits has become too dull to the palate of those who have developed a taste for that particular dish. I am advised that it is an acquired taste. Today, I had the opportunity to chose between either plain grits or cheese grits. I chose option 3; something else. I have eaten grits once in my life, and I didn't puke or anything, but I really doubt at this point that I have enough years left on the planet to develop a taste for them. Therefore I have no intention of making the effort; cheese grits or plain.

Today, we made the drive from Orlando to the Tampa Bay area. Technically, we are staying in Clearwater, which is just north of St. Petersburg. The metroplex that is comprised of St.Pete and Tampa is collectively referred to by the locals as Tampa Bay. Evidently the people in this area have adopted a share of civic pride by associating themselves with a body of water.

Once upon a time, way back when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team first came into the NFL, they played in Green Bay. The Packers put their name on the scoreboard as "Tampa." Anxious to make a point that the team represents a geographic region and not just the city of Tampa, the Bucs got even when Green Bay paid a visit to Tampa Bay. They simply put the Packers name on the scoreboard as "Green."

On the trip over here, we saw about a dozen more cars dead along side the road. The mystery continues. Maybe the humidity kills cars down here. It sure is sapping my energy. Once we got checked into our motel room, we rested briefly, then headed out for Tropicana Field, home of the Tampa Bay Rays. They used to be the Devil Rays, but somebody decided to give them a duel identity that could be associated with both the Florida sunshine (which I'm beginning to think is a bit of embelishment; it poured rain shortly after the end of today's game) and the fish. The first year after they became The Rays instead of The Devil Rays they had their first winning season ever and went to the World Series. So far this year, they are following in the footsteps of the Rockies by showing signs of being a flop in the year after their first Series appearance. They did win today by a score of 4-2.

Tropicana Field is a domed stadium that reminds me of a 15 year-old multiplex theater. It is functional and reasonably comfortable, but utterly lacking in personality and showing its age. The only really unique feature of the stadium is the ray tank in right center field. If you want to stand in line for a long time, you can go out and see, feed and even touch the rays in the tank. We opted out.

There was a good crowd for the game today, probably because all of the fans were getting Evan Longoria figurines commemorating his winning American League Rookie of the Year honors last season. The Rays fans were friendly toward us, which wasn't terribly unusual since they were playing Cleveland and not Colorado. There were quite a few Cleveland fans in evidence as well. I suspect that Tampa Bay fans are in a similar situation to Rockies fans. A lot of people who live here came from other places and retained their previous loyalites. A lot of fans probably visit the area from elsewhere too. Further complicating matters down here is the fact that a lot of teams conduct their spring training around here, so some fans who are native to this area probably developed allegiances prior to the birth of the Rays. The Philadelphia Philles have a beautiful spring training complex less than a mile from where we are staying. So people here are probably exceptionally tolerant of people pulling for the oposition.

Just as a side note, the Atlanta Braves have their spring training facility on the grounds of Disney Resorts at Disney Wide World of Sports. I'm not sure about the wisdom of doing your spring training at Disney World, but the Braves have enjoyed a lot of success over the past decade and a half, so maybe it isn't so dumb after all.

Tomorrow, we'll bid goodbye to the state of Florida and make the long drive up to Atlanta, Georgia.


Day 7: I could have been in a coma all week and I wouldn't have had any problem figuring out that I was in the south just by driving from St. Pete to Atlanta today. Now I don't want to go off on a rant here (well, maybe I do), but I wouldn't have had to carefully study the vegetation or take note of the roadkill or even get an idea of the temperature and humidity. All I had to do was take note of a few of the billboards along the way. There were actually lots of them but all most all of them were one of five general topics.

The first type were the billboards with Biblical quotations urging me to save my soul, or something of that nature. If God can't convince people to do that on their own simply by moving their spirit, I really doubt that a billboard is going to be all that effective. The second type informed me of the evils of getting an abortion. Thanks a lot folks, but I really wasn't planning on it anytime soon, and if I did, you'd really have something interesting to pray about. Then again, it wouldn't be any of your business one way or another. The third type then informed me of the nearest places where I could purchase guns and ammunition, most likely for the purpose of murdering one of God's defenseless wild animals.The fourth type informed me where the nearest outlet was for purchasing porn and sex toys. For crying out loud, people, what do you think the internet is for? Finally, there were billboards telling me where to buy fireworks so I could blow things up if I felt so inclined. Those were mostly in Florida. Once you cross the Georgia border, those are replaced by businesses euphemistically called "spas," but since the ads feature attractive women and seemed geared toward truckers, I'm kind of thinking that there is something else going on there.

Consider the sum of the subjects covered: I'm not intending to imply that there is a certain degree of moral ambiguity here in the Bible belt, so I'll just come right out and say it: There is a certain degree of moral ambiguity down here in the Bible belt. You see, there are those of us who have a bit of a problem having morals preached to us by people who really should be Focusing On Their own Family. If you are one nosy reporter away from having your own glass house come crashing down, I really don't want your view of morality crammed down my throat, thank you very much.

By the way, I know this is a bit off topic, but I realize that you folks down here are really proud of your college football teams, and they are admittedly pretty good. BUT... the 3 major teams in Florida always play 8 or 9 of their 12 scheduled games inside the borders of the state of Florida. The worst weather they ever play in is a rainstorm. Then they go on and play a bowl game in a warm weather city; pretty often Florida. Just once I'd like to see one of them have to play a game in Lincoln, Nebraska or Boulder, Colorado in real football weather in November. That would be a real test.

I realize that this is coming a 140 years late, but it's time somebody fessed up: Abe Lincoln made a mistake. He should have let the southern states go. We can't do anything about the years that have passed, but we can do the right thing even if it is late in coming. So let me be the first to step up to the plate: You have my permission to go; all of you...No hard feelings and all due apologizes that it was so late in coming. Heck, I'll even throw in Notre Dame University, the state of Utah and Dick Cheney as parting gifts. For some reason, Cheney can't get used to the idea that just about everyone who lives north of the Mason-Dixon line rejected his antiquated, war-mongering ideas in the last election overwhelmingly, and he needs to shut up and go away. But since he won't, you folks can have him.


But, that's just my opinion...I could be wrong.

I will say one thing more positive though. Southern folk are very friendly. The drive like crap, but they are friendly. So on second thought, if you want to stick around with us, that is fine with me too.

The drive to Atlanta went without incident, beyond the observation that you folks down here either never clean up blown out tires, or you blow them out at an incredible rate. If the latter is the case, I want to invest in a tire shop in Georgia. I also think someone needs to invent some sort of device to keep armidillos off the highway. Those poor little things don't have a chance.

Alligator sightings today: 0.
Days we have seen rain at some point since we have been in Florida: 5
Number of planned activities that have been altered due to rain: 0


Day 8: To call this a remarkable day would be something of an understatement. Things started off a bit shaky, but everything managed to work out incredibly well. We really didn't have a game plan for a two day visit to Atlanta, which is a bit unusual for an organization/control freak like myself. I knew there is a lot to do here, I just hadn't planned out this part of the trip. So after making a few hasty decisions over breakfast this morning, we headed out to Stone Mountain. That is where they have the carvings of Jeff Davis, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. It is kind of impressive. I doubt that there is a larger monument in the entire world to 3 guys who lost a war.

There is sort of a touristy village at the base of Stone Mountain, but it was closed today. So we obviously didn't spend much time there. We did take the tram to the top of the mountain. It was a nice view, but when you've been to the top of Pike's Peak, it rather humbles by comparison.

We then headed to the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library. We had two maps of Atlanta, and unfortunately I was looking at the bad one, so it took us rather longer than we planned to find it. As it turned out, it is presently closed for reinnovation. Since we couldn't see that, we went on to another option, the Cyclorama. It is a theater/museum which provides an indepth account of the Battle of Atlanta in the Civil War. Almost astonishingly, the only day of the week it is closed is Monday. Fortunately, the Atlanta Zoo was right next door. It wasn't anywhere in our plans, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The zoo here is the home of the most impressive gorilla habitat of any zoo in the country. It is magnificent, and I managed to get a lot of great pictures. Better still, this happens to be one of 4 zoos in the country with Giant Pandas. I had never actually seen one before, so that was an incredible experience.

Then it was time to head for Turner Field and see the Rockies play the Braves. We entered the stadium in our Rockies gear with our Dinger (Rockies mascot) doll with us. That caused something of a sensation as everyone wanted to see him. Prior to the start of the game, we were hanging around the area of the Rockies bullpen when one of the security guys saw us and asked us if we were from Denver. After answering that we were, he disappeared for a moment, returning with a Braves game ball which he gave to me. Then he asked us where we were sitting. I had purchased tickets in the upper deck area, but he told us he could get us much better seats. We ended up sitting on the third baseline, 3 rows up.

One of the Braves field managers also came by and talked baseball with us for awhile. The fans around us were also wonderful. We were truly treated like royalty at Turner Field, and we are deeply greatful to all of the wonderful employees and fans their for making our visit there something beyond wonderfully memorable. It almost pains me to note that the Rockies won, 5-1...almost.


Day 9: Today we took it pretty easy. After 8 days of relatively fast paced adventures, we were both pretty much spent. The day started off with a 9 A.M. tour of Turner Field. Since we were the only ones there, it amounted to a private tour. We've done enough stadium tours now that they are starting to look very similar. On the other hand, it is interesting to see some of the subtle differences and the ways that stadium designers deal with challenges unique to certain places.

After the tour, we went out for breakfast. I figured that since this was my last day on vacation in the south, a nice helping of grits would be in order. So I ate some...the plain type, not the cheese. I still can't say that I like them a great deal, but I've now managed to eat grits twice in my life without hurling.

We then headed back to the Cyclorama, which provides an informative overview of the Battle of Atlanta, along with getting to see one of the largest paintings in the world depecting the event. This attraction first opened back in the late 30's, shortly after the release of the film Gone With The Wind. The cast of the movie was invited to see it. Clark Gable remarked that it was pretty good, but it would be a whole lot better if he were included in it somehow. So one of the figures in the diarama was added to depict Gable, as a fallen soldier.

After taking in the Cyclorama, we decided that our sightseeing was concluded. We were both so tired that we came back to our motel room and took a nap. Then we had dinner and got everything packed up and prepared for our flight back to Denver tomorrow.

We went out to dinner late afternoon. On the way back to our motel, I saw a high school football team out practising. I know you people are serious about football down here, but geez, people, it's May!!! High school students should be wrapping up proms, playing in the baseball finals and getting ready for graduation. Nobody plays football in May.

I'd love to be able to say that we are departing the south with a heavy heart. But even as much as we have enjoyed our vacation, the best crossing of the Mason-Dixon line is always the north bound one. Perhaps it's the feeling of having the words "liberal yankee" ever tatooed on my forehead, but this place couldn't be further from home. I realize that some good ole boy out there will probably take offense and pen a song stating that a Southern Man don't need me around anyhow, either, and that is just fine by me. Sing it and rebel yell to it in good health. I really don't mind. Crank up the volume and play it in all the strip joints (that appear to outnumber book stores 10 to 1 down here) and I'll not be the least offended. Just remember as y'all are enjoying the show, don't spill any of that Jack Daniels on your Bible...it leaves a stain that won't come out.


Number of times I've heard someone say "Y'all" in the past 9 days: 816,247

Day 10: John Denver once lamented in song, "It's a long way from this place to Denver..." I think he probably wrote that in Atlanta. After hunting around for the place to turn in our rental car, we had a fairly lengthy wait at the airport, mostly because we game ourselves more than ample time in case any unforseen difficulties arose...such as having to hunt for half an hour to find out where to turn in our car. The flight home was nice. We had a plane with televisions at every seat, which I personally love. I don't actually watch the TV. I usually watch the real time flight data which shows you exactly where you are on the map, altitude, temperature, ground speed etc. That actually keeps me occupied through a 3 and a half hour flight.

It was a very wonderful vacation and as always, a lot of people showed us a great deal of hospitality. We are deeply indebted to all who went out of their way to make sure we had a special time. Our heartfelt thanks to all who made this trip special for us.



A KEX'S AMAZING WORLD PICTORAL ESSAY

DENVER 2008: A MOMENT IN HISTORY


It was 45 years ago, on August 28, 1963 the Reverend Martin Luther King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. and spoke to his followers about a magnificent dream. On August 28, 2008 that his dream will take a giant leap toward coming true when Barack Obama will accept the Democratic Party's nomination as President of the United States here in Denver.

The following is a pictoral essay of some of the things that can be seen in Denver as the convention unfolds:



Harry Truman's Presidential Limo



Harry prepares to step out to great us



Some of the comforts of Harry's limo, although it was pretty spartan by modern standards



The cabin of Air Force One, the type used up through the Reagan years. A more comfortable 747 is now in service.


Air Force One Fusilage


The flight deck



Air Force One pilot controls up close



Air Force One communication center (reproduction)



A popular Air Force One souvenir



The President's Office aboard the plane. The gentleman was an onboard security officer through Bush I



The Presidental Seal aboard the plane



Another view of the President's onboard office



The President's onboard sleeping quarters. The 747's have a full sized bedroom



Onboard work area for other personnel, usually the President's secretary.



Kex and Joy enjoy the onboard comforts



One of several rockers used by President Kennedy



President Lincoln sat in a chair identical to this one on the night of April 15, 1865 at Ford's Theater.



Jackie Kennedy wore a suit identical to this one twice. Once on a trip to Europe with the President. The other was on a very bad day in Dallas, Texas in November of 1963.



Campaign memorabilia from bygone days



A Kennedy-Johnson campaign poster



A Bobby Kennedy campaign poster



One for the Kexkateers: To sleep, perchance to dream....



The Oval Office sitting area



Portrait of George Washington over the Oval Office fireplace



Some example of White House china. Each new First Lady selects a new pattern



Another for the Kexkateers: "First question, Helen Thomas?"



A dress worn by Mary Todd Lincoln



A shot of the CSPAN mobile studio



The front of the CSPAN mobile studio



The control area inside the CSPAN mobile studio



The interview area in the CSPAN mobile studio



The first known photographs of Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln



The oldest known surviving writing from Abraham Lincoln, penned when he was in grade school



The 1860 Electoral map. The blue states were those carried by President Lincoln



Bad news sweeps a troubled nation.



Some images from Lincoln's assasination



Bedside death vigil for a President



Denver dressed to the nines. These red banners and similar blue ones adorn the 16th Street mall a few blocks from The Pepsi Center, where most of the convention activites will take place.



A contemporary campaign button for Obama



A button comemorating the two conventions that have been held in Denver. In 1908, the Democrats nominated populist William Jennings Bryant as their candidate here. In 2008, it will be Senator Barack Obama. (apologies for the photo quality)



This popular campaign button commemorates Obama's acceptance speech on the anniversary of King's speech.



Other assorted souvenirs



Ummm, yeah...a few more LOL



One of the numerous teeshirts available around town



Still more souvenirs



Another popular teeshirt



And a few more souvenirs....



CONGRATULATIONS TO SENATOR BARACK OBAMA, DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE AND NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!



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